There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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