i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize