woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
