My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
