I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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