I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
