Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
