saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
