I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize