You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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