Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
