Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
