You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Is her dick bigger than yours?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
