phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
