Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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