Michael Bay diarrhea
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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