i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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