oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
