I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
