bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
