My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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