I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Apparently you make a good broom.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
