I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
This is my gift to your gina
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
