i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
