My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
