apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
So vagazzling was a success
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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