I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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