You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
