allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
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