hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
We got so high we made milksteak
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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