I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
