Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
