go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
