I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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