Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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