I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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