You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
