I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize