I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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