I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
