Porn is love you can see.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
