I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
