Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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