just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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