my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
