i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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