He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
