awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just had sex on a roof
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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