You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
