This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
