Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
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