when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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