he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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