You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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