Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize