R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
