I got her a Nickelback box set.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
