My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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