I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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