this just has baby written all over it
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
