why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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